So Unlike The First Time

It is indeed true! I have somehow known it will feel this way and I have been dreading it. But I was silently hoping it would not be as bad as they say.

I am talking about coming back to Dubai from my vacation. Unlike last year, I feel more homesick now than I was when I first got here. Just as I thought I would be. I remember there was a lot of excitement then and I was very eager to start anew. There was a whole bunch of new people to meet, a lot of places to see and a lot of new things for me to experience. And I was then so very glad to have left my old job. I did not mind being alone and so far away from home. I was just determined to make some major changes here and there. Although I must admit, I was also somewhat apprehensive and scared of what might come. It was such a major leap for me after all. What if things won't turn out well for me? There was even a time when I felt uncertain about the decisions I have made in my life. I would then asked myself "What am I doing here?" I guess these things really do happen once in a while. Sometimes fear attacks us and we get crippled by our weakness and we become too hard on ourselves. But thankfully, it was a phase that quickly went away without causing so much damage. I had some major encouragement, support and guidance from a very few inspiring people (whom I know I owe a lot) after all and I personally refused to deflate my spirits too. And so far everything has been really well for me.

But gone are those fears and uncertainties now. And although it still rings true that the opportunities to meet a lot of people and to experience a lot of new things are still very much there, the excitement is not like before. It has just somewhat turned into a kind of knowing for me that things will remain good or get better especially if I believe they will, which I do, and if I work hard for what I want. It has become a comforting thought to know that I have made the right decision and I have this feeling that there is no better place for me at the moment and at this stage in my life but right here.

And because the excitement has already dissipated since that first time, coming back now feels quite different to me and has left me with only two things to deal with- this utter homesickness, something I have never quite felt before and a steadfast resolve (more than ever) to stay and make the most of everything. I surprisingly just miss home so much this time around. And I miss my Family and our trips around Luzon. I miss hanging out with my nieces too and I miss going out with Kayla everyday to hit the malls, the parlor and the food chains ( which are mostly her choice) and the grocery too. I even dragged her to Taft once and let her ride the MRT and the LRT, which she enjoyed immensely! I just miss everything. But like everything else, I know that this too shall pass. It has to and soon. And what will remain is my wish of continuing forward.

Even the plane ride coming back seemed short (yes, the eight-hour flight seemed short to me) and boring too. Not that there was an unforgettable thing that happened during my flight before, but I told you…I was just really so excited then. I realized I never even went for a bladder break this time! I just slept the whole time, bored and lonely, only waking up to eat the meals, without even finishing it. Sometimes, I would sneak a look at the golf tournament that the Caucasian golfer beside me was running on his TV screen the whole trip (I was so sleepy and did not intend to watch anything so I did not turn my own screen on.) while he would doze off in his seat and would slowly drop his head towards me once in a while. Then I would try to slightly push him away. And thankfully he would budge.

However, the good thing now is- I already have a lot of friends back here. And the Dubai airport has become a very familiar place to arrive at. A comfort zone. I already know my way around and there are a few familiar and friendly faces too. I am also very settled in my own flat now and of course, I can just go online anytime I want, which is most of the time, unlike before when I first got here. I was housed in a hotel for two months but it never felt like home despite the comforts and convenience it offered and I didn't get the means and the luxury of an unlimited internet connection right away.

I just wonder if I will ever get used to this whole thing of going home and coming back and that I would not feel so homesick anymore the next time around. I guess not. I think that I would always feel homesick every time I come back from a vacation from home. But I don't mind. I would say that the happiness, excitement, enjoyment and fun of being home and of being with my family are still worth all the homesickness afterward when it's already time to say goodbye.