So Unlike The First Time

It is indeed true! I have somehow known it will feel this way and I have been dreading it. But I was silently hoping it would not be as bad as they say.

I am talking about coming back to Dubai from my vacation. Unlike last year, I feel more homesick now than I was when I first got here. Just as I thought I would be. I remember there was a lot of excitement then and I was very eager to start anew. There was a whole bunch of new people to meet, a lot of places to see and a lot of new things for me to experience. And I was then so very glad to have left my old job. I did not mind being alone and so far away from home. I was just determined to make some major changes here and there. Although I must admit, I was also somewhat apprehensive and scared of what might come. It was such a major leap for me after all. What if things won't turn out well for me? There was even a time when I felt uncertain about the decisions I have made in my life. I would then asked myself "What am I doing here?" I guess these things really do happen once in a while. Sometimes fear attacks us and we get crippled by our weakness and we become too hard on ourselves. But thankfully, it was a phase that quickly went away without causing so much damage. I had some major encouragement, support and guidance from a very few inspiring people (whom I know I owe a lot) after all and I personally refused to deflate my spirits too. And so far everything has been really well for me.

But gone are those fears and uncertainties now. And although it still rings true that the opportunities to meet a lot of people and to experience a lot of new things are still very much there, the excitement is not like before. It has just somewhat turned into a kind of knowing for me that things will remain good or get better especially if I believe they will, which I do, and if I work hard for what I want. It has become a comforting thought to know that I have made the right decision and I have this feeling that there is no better place for me at the moment and at this stage in my life but right here.

And because the excitement has already dissipated since that first time, coming back now feels quite different to me and has left me with only two things to deal with- this utter homesickness, something I have never quite felt before and a steadfast resolve (more than ever) to stay and make the most of everything. I surprisingly just miss home so much this time around. And I miss my Family and our trips around Luzon. I miss hanging out with my nieces too and I miss going out with Kayla everyday to hit the malls, the parlor and the food chains ( which are mostly her choice) and the grocery too. I even dragged her to Taft once and let her ride the MRT and the LRT, which she enjoyed immensely! I just miss everything. But like everything else, I know that this too shall pass. It has to and soon. And what will remain is my wish of continuing forward.

Even the plane ride coming back seemed short (yes, the eight-hour flight seemed short to me) and boring too. Not that there was an unforgettable thing that happened during my flight before, but I told you…I was just really so excited then. I realized I never even went for a bladder break this time! I just slept the whole time, bored and lonely, only waking up to eat the meals, without even finishing it. Sometimes, I would sneak a look at the golf tournament that the Caucasian golfer beside me was running on his TV screen the whole trip (I was so sleepy and did not intend to watch anything so I did not turn my own screen on.) while he would doze off in his seat and would slowly drop his head towards me once in a while. Then I would try to slightly push him away. And thankfully he would budge.

However, the good thing now is- I already have a lot of friends back here. And the Dubai airport has become a very familiar place to arrive at. A comfort zone. I already know my way around and there are a few familiar and friendly faces too. I am also very settled in my own flat now and of course, I can just go online anytime I want, which is most of the time, unlike before when I first got here. I was housed in a hotel for two months but it never felt like home despite the comforts and convenience it offered and I didn't get the means and the luxury of an unlimited internet connection right away.

I just wonder if I will ever get used to this whole thing of going home and coming back and that I would not feel so homesick anymore the next time around. I guess not. I think that I would always feel homesick every time I come back from a vacation from home. But I don't mind. I would say that the happiness, excitement, enjoyment and fun of being home and of being with my family are still worth all the homesickness afterward when it's already time to say goodbye.

EK 332

I stayed home all day today. I was supposed to do some errands for a friend of mine and a few chores of my own but I was just not up to it. The rainy weather was perfect for lazing around and I did just that-lazed around all day and fooled around with my nieces too. I never had the opportunity to do it since I got back a week ago. And I found myself thoroughly enjoying it.

For the first time I got to really feel the new house where I am staying now. I tried to be fully present and aware enough to feel every corner and every part of it and to intently listen to the surroundings as well. I realized that the neighborhood is really so quiet to the point that it can get so lonely and boring at times. I also noticed airplanes that are about to touch down are flying a few hundred feet over the area every so often. But thankfully, the distance is far enough to slightly mute the deafening roar of the engine but not too distant enough for me not to be able to make out the insignia on the aircraft's tail.

I saw a few familiar domestic airplanes and some unfamiliar ones. Then at exactly 15:55 HRS, I saw EK flight 332. Very familiar indeed! I suddenly thought to myself that just a week ago I was in that same flight coming home and in a few days I will be in that flight again flying abroad. Then it hit me that as much as I have enjoyed staying at home today, I really have no business lazing around unless I run and finish all my errands because my days are already numbered. :-)

Torn

My two-week vacation is almost over now and I am just counting the days until I am gone. I honestly am already starting to regret that it's coming to an end soon. But today I found myself torn between my feelings of wanting to go away, thankful that I have a refuge in another place and of still wishing to stay and linger on. Not that I really can though. But the feeling is just undeniably there.

The pangs of nostalgia are already palpable every time I think of leaving soon. I really did enjoy being home again and visiting places while bonding with my family. I will certainly miss all of them especially my niece, whom I have spent most of my time with. And of course I was happy to see some of my closest friends too (although a very good friend of mine is having some problems of his own and I can't help but feel a little down...might be his depression rubbing off on me a bit). However, and unexpectedly too, the ghosts of the past are also starting to haunt me again and chase me away that I would rather escape and run free from it.

Home still feels like home and very much so. And I will always come back to it. But it just terribly saddens me to realize that for now I should take refuge from someplace else rather than the one I call home. I only wish that someday when I get back I would not feel so haunted again.

Caleruega Church

From the hill top. It was a gloomy Saturday afternoon

Sunshine after the rain...

Pavement going to the retreat quarters.

Windmills of The Gods

I have never heard of a windmill in Ilocos before, let alone seen one. Then my sister and I chanced upon this brochure from the office at the pensionne where we were staying in Laoag. Among the many tourist attractions, it featured the "Windmill Farm". I was truly intrigued and fascinated by the pictures of the turbines. They were really something and I definitely wanted to see the "farm". I was just worried though that we would never have enough time to do so. We planned to stay for only a couple of days and there were a lot of places to visit and it was not in our itinerary after all.

Fortunately, we saw it in the town of Bangui on our way to Saud Beach in Pagudpud. We decided to check it out on our way back. There were like nineteen of these windmills standing tall, dwarfing everything around them. For me the scene was just very beautiful! I was utterly speechless and awed by the sight! Although my sister felt otherwise. She thought it was eerie that they looked like giant electric fans standing all over the place! And they all seemed to hum in the wind too every time their blades rotate in the air! She said they also seemed like aliens to her from outer space.

According to Dad, (who knows a bit about it, probably because he is a civil engineer by profession) the Bangui Windmills were built to help reduce the emission of harmful gas that causes global warming and to accelerate the rural electrification. He said that the location should be somewhere where the wind blows all year round. In this particular area, the wind comes from the north-east. The turbines were built along the shore in a single row facing the sea. The turbines stand roughly around 70 meters high from ground level and the blades were like 40 meters long. They are indeed gigantic!

The place is open to everyone who wants to witness the beauty and wonder of these windmills. And as for me, seeing them was the most fun and interesting part of my Ilocandia tour!

Tagaytay Sunset

Do I still need words to tell you how splendid the sunset is?

There was a downpour the whole afternoon in Tagaytay that Saturday. The rain was so hard that it got us stranded for like an hour in that nice Bali Seafood resto where we had our lunch. I didn't think that the sun would come out again. But it did and that lifted my spirits.

We climbed up the winding road hoping to wander aimlessly in that park at the top of the mountain. But unfortunately they closed it down an hour early because of the bad weather. But I was so amazed to see a lot of people there still lingering by the area contented and happy enough to marvel at the beauty of the sunset. And I thought to myself, indeed the Pinoys are really "mabababaw" because we easily find pleasures in the simplest of things. But then I realized that it takes a deeper presence and awareness to be able to admire an everyday thing like a sunset.

Stop And Admire The Flowers

These are some of the beautiful flowers I have seen at Caleruega Church during my recent visit. I love flowers especially if they are of the rarest kind. The one in the third picture caught my attention because I remember when my grandma was still around, she used to grow a few back home in the province and she fondly called it the "Birds of Paradise". During Flores de Mayo, she would allow my sisters and I to pick all kinds of flowers from her garden except the orchids and this beautiful creation that has no wings but is considered a bird in paradise.

The Stone House Cafe

The Stone House Cafe in Laoag City, Ilocos Norte is a nice cozy place where you can enjoy the food and coffee, the Bossa Nova music and the great ambiance. The architecture and interior design are really impressive and the place is very homey too.

Paoay Church

Paoay Church, Paoay, Ilocos Norte

I have been to an Ilocandia tour with my girl friends thirteen years ago but I never got the chance to see this beautiful church then. But I knew that it exists because I have seen it in a huge and very picturesque painting at the former President Marcos's home (which is also in Paoay) during that visit. I thought it was really very beautiful but it did not prepare me for the real thing. It is truly awesome! I could not help but capture it in its grandeur.

Beautiful Place, Beautiful Moments

Saud Beach Resort, Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte

They say it's the Boracay of the North. It's a very lovely beach but without the overly crowded population of Bora. If you love to be in an enchanting place with a serene environment to help you relax, perhaps meditate, and escape the hustle and bustle of the city life, this is a nice getaway.

April's Birthday Girls

To my mommy who will be celebrating her birthday on April 23, I wish you more love, more peace, more strength, more faith and good health. Thank you for your prayers.

To my sisters Pax and Lei who will be celebrating their birthdays on April 10 (yes, they have the same birthday!), I wish you both inner peace, joy and good health.

Racism Sucks

Another display of racial prejudice against the Filipinos was recently committed by Chip Tsao , a Chinese columnist, when he wrote a satirical article in HK Magazine degrading and humiliating the Filipino race yet again.

Tsao stirred an outburst of rage among Filipinos all over the world (especially OFWs) by writing that the Philippines’ claims on the disputed Spratly Islands were completely silly, ungrateful, not to mention ambitious in the face of Beijing’s claims on the same territory.

He wrote, “As a nation of servants, you don’t flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter”. And he added to say that he warned his own house help, who is apparently a Filipina, that in order to earn a raise, she should tell her fellow inferior citizens that the Spratlys belong to China.

More than 100,000 Filipinos work in the southern Chinese city of Hong Kong, mostly as low-paid domestic helpers. Despite Tsao already issuing a public apology saying that he didn’t mean anything demeaning by his remark since all of us humans are really servants of God, the Filipinos in Hong Kong are united to hold a rally in protest of this article. And he has already been banned from entering the Philippines.

As a journalist/columnist he should not be saying all those racist remarks in public, let alone publish it. Being a professional and a public figure, he should be able to exercise objectivity and responsible journalism by keeping his racist remarks and judgments to himself. If his exposure to the Filipinos as a people is only limited to the domestic workers in Hong Kong, then it’s totally absurd of him to generalize the whole Filipino race as a nation servants!

Racism sucks!

Big Fat Lie

Why is Happiness So Elusive?

Everyone of us is searching for true happiness. But seldom do we really find it except at some brief moments which often normally slip away too quickly and escape our grasp, leaving us with just a lingering memory to reminisce about. And it's not a coincidence that the more you tighten your grip around it, the more it will try to elude you.

Most of the time we are just left with nothing but regret and resentment due to a past that went awry and makes our "HERE" and "NOW" seemingly unbearable. Or a sheer hope pinned on some future event that we wish to happen, and makes us want to skip or abandon the present moment and fast forward our lives. Or worst is a feeling of fear and dread of the unknown in what is yet to come, which plagues us and thus prevents us to be truly happy NOW. An unknown that may or may not even happen. But we seldom are aware of the present moment and at peace with the NOW, which is the only thing about time that is real.

But why is true and lasting happiness so elusive? And what is the secret to experiencing it for more than fleeting moments?

Being a huge fan of Echart Tolle, I would like to share his 10 powerful insights. Mr. Tolle is the New York Time’s bestselling author of The Power of Now and A New Earth-Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. And now comes his newest book, Oneness with All Life.

These are the Ten Ways to A Happier YOU by Echart Tolle:

1. Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.
2. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.
3. See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.
4. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.
5. Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.
6. People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.
7. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.
8. Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
9. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.
10. If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

In a nutshell, just make peace with your present moment by accepting it as is. Don't resist it, rather embrace it, after all it is all you have got. That is why it's called a gift, a present because it's the most precious time. If you truly think about it you'll come to know that you can not undo the past nor can you control the future... but you can do something about the present. And lastly, don't look for happiness elsewhere. Everything that is inherently good and joyful is already something that you posses within, waiting to be illuminated by the light of your presence for it to shrine through. Click this link below.

From O, the Oprah Magazine Online