So Unlike The First Time

It is indeed true! I have somehow known it will feel this way and I have been dreading it. But I was silently hoping it would not be as bad as they say.

I am talking about coming back to Dubai from my vacation. Unlike last year, I feel more homesick now than I was when I first got here. Just as I thought I would be. I remember there was a lot of excitement then and I was very eager to start anew. There was a whole bunch of new people to meet, a lot of places to see and a lot of new things for me to experience. And I was then so very glad to have left my old job. I did not mind being alone and so far away from home. I was just determined to make some major changes here and there. Although I must admit, I was also somewhat apprehensive and scared of what might come. It was such a major leap for me after all. What if things won't turn out well for me? There was even a time when I felt uncertain about the decisions I have made in my life. I would then asked myself "What am I doing here?" I guess these things really do happen once in a while. Sometimes fear attacks us and we get crippled by our weakness and we become too hard on ourselves. But thankfully, it was a phase that quickly went away without causing so much damage. I had some major encouragement, support and guidance from a very few inspiring people (whom I know I owe a lot) after all and I personally refused to deflate my spirits too. And so far everything has been really well for me.

But gone are those fears and uncertainties now. And although it still rings true that the opportunities to meet a lot of people and to experience a lot of new things are still very much there, the excitement is not like before. It has just somewhat turned into a kind of knowing for me that things will remain good or get better especially if I believe they will, which I do, and if I work hard for what I want. It has become a comforting thought to know that I have made the right decision and I have this feeling that there is no better place for me at the moment and at this stage in my life but right here.

And because the excitement has already dissipated since that first time, coming back now feels quite different to me and has left me with only two things to deal with- this utter homesickness, something I have never quite felt before and a steadfast resolve (more than ever) to stay and make the most of everything. I surprisingly just miss home so much this time around. And I miss my Family and our trips around Luzon. I miss hanging out with my nieces too and I miss going out with Kayla everyday to hit the malls, the parlor and the food chains ( which are mostly her choice) and the grocery too. I even dragged her to Taft once and let her ride the MRT and the LRT, which she enjoyed immensely! I just miss everything. But like everything else, I know that this too shall pass. It has to and soon. And what will remain is my wish of continuing forward.

Even the plane ride coming back seemed short (yes, the eight-hour flight seemed short to me) and boring too. Not that there was an unforgettable thing that happened during my flight before, but I told you…I was just really so excited then. I realized I never even went for a bladder break this time! I just slept the whole time, bored and lonely, only waking up to eat the meals, without even finishing it. Sometimes, I would sneak a look at the golf tournament that the Caucasian golfer beside me was running on his TV screen the whole trip (I was so sleepy and did not intend to watch anything so I did not turn my own screen on.) while he would doze off in his seat and would slowly drop his head towards me once in a while. Then I would try to slightly push him away. And thankfully he would budge.

However, the good thing now is- I already have a lot of friends back here. And the Dubai airport has become a very familiar place to arrive at. A comfort zone. I already know my way around and there are a few familiar and friendly faces too. I am also very settled in my own flat now and of course, I can just go online anytime I want, which is most of the time, unlike before when I first got here. I was housed in a hotel for two months but it never felt like home despite the comforts and convenience it offered and I didn't get the means and the luxury of an unlimited internet connection right away.

I just wonder if I will ever get used to this whole thing of going home and coming back and that I would not feel so homesick anymore the next time around. I guess not. I think that I would always feel homesick every time I come back from a vacation from home. But I don't mind. I would say that the happiness, excitement, enjoyment and fun of being home and of being with my family are still worth all the homesickness afterward when it's already time to say goodbye.

Torn

My two-week vacation is almost over now and I am just counting the days until I am gone. I honestly am already starting to regret that it's coming to an end soon. But today I found myself torn between my feelings of wanting to go away, thankful that I have a refuge in another place and of still wishing to stay and linger on. Not that I really can though. But the feeling is just undeniably there.

The pangs of nostalgia are already palpable every time I think of leaving soon. I really did enjoy being home again and visiting places while bonding with my family. I will certainly miss all of them especially my niece, whom I have spent most of my time with. And of course I was happy to see some of my closest friends too (although a very good friend of mine is having some problems of his own and I can't help but feel a little down...might be his depression rubbing off on me a bit). However, and unexpectedly too, the ghosts of the past are also starting to haunt me again and chase me away that I would rather escape and run free from it.

Home still feels like home and very much so. And I will always come back to it. But it just terribly saddens me to realize that for now I should take refuge from someplace else rather than the one I call home. I only wish that someday when I get back I would not feel so haunted again.

Photofunia

The First of Many to Come

I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried and it's already 4:42 a.m., Dubai Time. Maybe it's just as well because I practically slept the whole day yesterday. Coming from my night duty at work, I usually spend my first day-off snuggling in bed. I woke up really late in the afternoon already and found myself enjoying a good book which my colleague at work loaned me. They all say I should read it and fast! The book's title is "It's called a Breakup Because It's Broken". Talk about another self-help book! I initially thought to myself that there's nothing in there that I didn't already know. But I guess there's nothing compared to hearing, or reading for that matter, a confirmation of these things from someone who call himself an authority, thus has the license to give some insights and advice on the particular subject of relationships and it's demise. But hey wait, who said that I needed it?

I almost finished the book in one sitting which I didn't want to do, so I saved some chapters for the next day. Not that it's not amusing me, because surprisingly it does, and a great deal too. And I also realized that there are indeed a lot of things that I did not know much about after all. (who am I fooling anyway?) But that would be another blog entry all together. But I just want to save some good lessons for another day.

So I then decided to distract myself from the book by watching a movie in my notebook- New in Town, which starred Renee Zellweger. The movie was so-so. There was nothing much of anything. It was supposed to be a romantic comedy but I found it lacking in both aspects. But it could just be me. Although it did get me occupied and engaged for a while there, so it must be okay enough after all.

Anyway, I just wanted to remember this day and mark it in my calendar, not only because this very blog entry is going to be the first of many to come but because it's also my niece's birthday. Kayla, my fave niece is celebrating her 7th birthday today! I could have been there with her on this particular day if only I did not leave home last year. But please don't get me wrong. There's not a tiny trace of regret there at all. But I am just sorry though that I could not go home for this particular celebration. It's really a big day for her. She used to talk about this special day a lot and she was so sure then that she will be celebrating it in her new home in Greenwoods. And the little girl had been damn right about that! I am just so happy that her simple wish had come true. But it could have been better if I, my sister and my parents were there to see how happy she must have been today.

Aside from Kayla's birthday, today is also a day when the whole of the world will observe the Earth Hour. Everyone is invited to turn the lights off between 8:30 to 9:30 tonight. Countries with developing and emerging economies are calling for action on climate change. So wherever you are on planet Earth today, let's participate and vote for Earth.

Happy Birthday, Kayla! And Happy Earth Hour to all of earthlings too!